Another story I heard about myself
This one happend in high school
We had this teacher in high school whose kid went to our high school
His name was Mr Macnimara
And his son Jake Macnimara went to our high school
He was a sophomore when I was a senior
So he was two years behind me
And Mr Macnimara was an asshole

And one weekend he and his wife decided to leave town
Which you should never do if you're an asshole
And Jake Macnimara decided to throw a party at the teacher's house
Hurrah!

And everyone around town heard about it
And we all got up individually and thought:
Okay, let's go over there and destroy the place

I walked into this party, everyone I had ever met was there
And everyone was drinking like it was the end of the world
People were drinking like it was the civil war
And a doctor was coming to saw our legs off
It was totally unsupervised
We were like dogs without horses, we were running wild

I walked down
I walk down to the basement
They had a pool table in the basement
One dude took a running start
And threw his body onto the pool table and broke it in half
Another kid found out which room was Mr Macnimara's
And went upstairs and took a shit on his computer

So the party was going great
I'm standing in the basement and I'm holding a red cup
You've seen movies
And I'm standing there, and I'm holding a red cup
And I'm starting to black out
And I guess someone said like: "something, something police"
And in a brilliant moment of word association
I yelled "fuck da police!"
"Fuck da police!"
And everyone else joined in

A hundred drunk white children yelling: "fuck da police"
With the confidence of guys who have like already been to jail
And aren't afraid of it anymore
You know that like
"I served my nickle, you come and take me" confidence

But white children
The reason someone had said:
Something, something police" was because the police were there
So a Chicago police officer walked down the stairs
And got to the bottom of the basement
And looked out over a sea of drunk toddlers yelling
"Fuck da police" in his face
And he was almost impressed
He was like: "wow"

And then he leaned into his walkie-talkie and went: "get the paddy wagon"
And my friend John, who is now a father this man now has a baby
He grabbed a 40, smashed it on the ground, and yelled "scatter!"

But everyone ran in a different direction
We all ran in different directions
It was like that scene in Rataouille when the humans come in the kitchen
And all the rats go in different ways
We all ran in different directions
I ran into the laundry room
And I jumped on the washing machine
And I crawled out through a window into the backyard
And now I'm running through the backyard and there's this big chain-linked fence
And I thought "I've never climbed a fence that high before"
And then I woke up at home

On Monday, I went to school
Because that's what we did back then
And I'm walking into the school building and who do I see
But Jake Macnimara
And he says to me "hey, were you at my party on Saturday?"
And I said "no" you know, like a liar
And he said "things got really out of hand
Someone broke the pool table
Someone took a shit on my dad's computer"
"But the worse thing", he says
"The worse thing is that someone stole these old antique photos of my grandmother
And my parents are freaking out about it"
And I had that thought
That only black out drunks and Steve Urkel can have

Did
Did I do that?
I figured no, I wouldn't have done that
But I was never sure until, two years later
Relax

I'm playing video games with this kid named Alex
That we also went to high school with
Two years later, we've graduated by now
We're playing video games for a couple hours

And then Alex says to me:
"Hey, come here, I want to show you something"
And then he takes me into his bedroom
And then he takes me into a side room off of his bedroom
Never a good thing to have
He shows me a tiny room that is covered wall to wall
In stolen antique photos from different people's parties over the years

And I said: "why?"
"Why do you do this?"
And Alex said: "because it's the one thing you can't replace"
That's the end of that story, but how fucked up is that? right?
That's crazy!
So I don't drink anymore